mattlauercansuckit: (Default)
[personal profile] mattlauercansuckit
title this is the last time (you say)
author [livejournal.com profile] patientalien
rating R
summary Padme's life with Anakin, in 50 sentences. "Suits"-verse
notes I can't get this stupid AU out of my head, so expect at least a couple more. Title from "Circle the Drain" by Katy Perry (just consider the song the theme for this AU)
warning(s) drug addiction, emotional abuse, suicide attempt

-----




#01 - Walking
She's ready to just walk out of the party, but then Riyo introduces her to Anakin Skywalker and she finds herself staying.

#02 - Waltz
Anakin sweeps her off her feet, and they make love into the early morning hours, an erotic waltz that Padme is loathe to stop.

#03 - Wishes
She knows Anakin wishes his path were different, but they make the best of it; she also wishes he had told her about Obi-Wan.

#04 - Wonder
She doesn't bother wondering what happened when he shows up at her apartment, claiming that, despite the large trust fund, he doesn't want to live alone.

#05 - Worry
She begins to worry when she misses her period; worry turns to downright panic when the third test comes back positive.

#06 - Whimsy
She doesn't tell Anakin right away; he is stressed out with finals and the competition that comes with the MBA program, so she makes their home a place of fun and relaxation - there's no room for babies.

#07 - Waste/Wasteland
He doesn't ask her why she's not drinking at his graduation party, but he drinks enough for both of them and they have their first big fight over it.

#08 - Whiskey and rum
He's employed at AdForce and informs her that his three-nights-a-week outings with "the guys" are networking opportunities; she's not sure how well he can network with his head in the toilet.

#09 - War
She finds cocaine in his jacket pocket and nearly loses her mind (she is four months pregnant and can't think to leave).

#10 - Weddings
She tells him, and he marries her, with all the pomp and circumstance of a wedding that is not out of shame; he manages to mostly stay sober, but she suspects the coke.

#11 - Birthday (II)
He's in rehab when the twins are born and they send each other get well soon cards.

#12 - Blessing
She loves Luke and Leia more than anything; she loves Anakin, too, and their newfound family (and his newfound sobriety) is a blessing she is more than happy to bask in.

#13 - Bias
She knows it is her own desire to pretend everything is perfect that she pretends not to notice the liquor bottles that suddenly start appearing in the house.

#14 - Burning
Anakin does everything with a burning intensity that sometimes scares her; even though he hates his new job, he still throws himself into it with everything he has.

#15 - Breathing
She goes to bed alone many nights, woken in the early hours of the morning by him breathing against her face.

#16 - Breaking
"Anakin, you're breaking my heart!" she cries, clutching her hand over her chest as he stumbles against the kitchen counter.

#17 - Belief
He believes he can balance everything he needs to; the children (he is wonderful with them when he's okay), his job, and his extracurricular activities - she believes something will eventually give.

#18 - Balloon
She doesn't think she's being unreasonable when she demands he not bring cocaine into the house; the day after they fight about it, he sends her a bouquet of balloons and wishes her a happy first anniversary.

#19 - Balcony
His hands are gripped tightly on the balcony railing, and he stares down to the ground, one foot planted as if to climb up and over, an empty bottle of JD on the ground beside him; trembling, she pulls him away.

#20 - Bane
The mood swings are becoming the bane of her existence; she never knows which Anakin is going to come through the door.

#21 - Quiet (III)
She sits in the silence and rocks the twins to sleep; Anakin will not return for another two months.

#22 - Quirks
Luke and Leia are their own people with their own quirks: Luke is active, adventurous - "Too much of his father in him," she's heard (and she hopes not, she really hopes not); Leia is contemplative, but her temper flares and Padme spends hours rocking her.

#23 - Question
"How are you doing?" he asks, tentatively, as he puts his bags down in their foyer; they embrace, and she relaxes in his arms.

#24 - Quarrel
They fight over little things: who gets up with the babies, whose turn it is to do the laundry, which silverware goes in what drawer; Padme finds herself exhausted at the end of every day.

#25 - Quitting
She tries to get Anakin to quit his job, but if he does that, they will lose everything; she has her own work she could do, but she finds she's not sure she trusts him at home with the children.

#26 - Jump
He jumps when she walks in on him, he tries to hide the bottle behind the toilet; she's not a stupid woman, but she forgoes the fight - this time.

#27 - Jester
She tells him she knows he's not a fool, and wants to know why he keeps acting like one (he doesn't have an answer).

#28 - Jousting
He tells her it's exciting to verbally joust with his clients, that he feels a rush of adrenaline when he convinces them to use one of his ideas; she knows it's just the cocaine.

#29 - Jewel
Her wedding ring is from Tiffany's, she knows it's worth more than a luxury car, but it doesn't keep her warm and doesn't make her feel safe.

#30 - Just
She doesn't want to leave, but something inside her knows that in order to be fair to all of them, it's a decision she needs to make sooner rather than later.

#31 - Smirk
His smirk was something she'd originally loved, but when he uses it against her now she wants to scream.

#32 - Sorrow
Padme knows Anakin is depressed, but doesn't realize the extent of it until she finds him unresponsive in the bathtub, fully clothed and barely breathing from the overdose.

#33 - Stupidity
She rails at him for his stupidity and selfishness, even as the paramedics secure his airway.

#34 - Serenade (IV)
Luke and Leia cry for their daddy, and she doesn't know how to explain to a pair of two year olds what is happening, or why Anakin will be gone for another three months.

#35 - Sarcasm
"I'm sure you'll do great raising them without my family's money."

#36 - Sordid
She finds pictures on his phone of a teenage girl with a wide smile, nothing too sordid, but enough to make her realize she needs to leave.

#37 - Soliloquy
She feels like she is talking to herself when she's explaining to Anakin's grandfather what she feels she must do; the old man nods, and offers to support his grandchildren - and her - in exchange for her discretion.

#38 - Sojourn
She packs up the kids and moves into an apartment, finds them a daycare and gets a job in the governer's office.

#39 - Share
She used to sharing the details of her day with Anakin (when he's there, and sober), but now she shares them with Luke and Leia.

#40 - Solitary
She tries not to think about how lonely she is, tries to accept that Anakin, despite being a warm body in her life, is not husband or father material; it doesn't make the nights any shorter.

#41 - Nowhere
She tells Anakin where she moved to, and he shows up at her doorstep one day, claiming nowhere else to go; she lets him in, not sure what else to do.

#42 - Neutral
The divorce isn't final until they see a marriage counselor; the neutral party suggests Anakin attend AA - he storms out before the session is over.

#43 - Nuance
Anakin claims there is a difference between his behavior and addiction; Padme does not see any kind of nuance there, and she doesn't think anyone else does either.

#44 - Near
The twins do not like it when she drops them off at daycare; they cling to her desperately, as if she will disappear as surely as Anakin did.

#45 - Natural
She sees him at a gala event, one of his clients is a backer of the governor; he is a natural at working the room, but she can't help but notice how sick he looks - she wonders if anyone else does.

#46 - Horizon
She does not return his calls, and when she finds out his mother has died, she almost feels guilty enough to call him back - instead, she takes the twins to the beach and spends an hour staring out at the horizon.

#47 - Valiant
She makes an valiant effort to keep him out of her life, but she still loves him so lets him sleep on her couch from time to time.

#48 - Virtuous
Though he spends time at her apartment, Padme makes sure their relationship remains strictly platonic.

#49 - Victory
He wants to take her out to dinner to celebrate landing a huge account (she doesn't learn until later that it is Obi-Wan's and that he is booted from the campaign just as quickly as he was assigned to it), she declines and he goes out on his own; she doesn't know where he's gone until she gets a call at three in the morning from the police.

#50 - Defeat
He calls her, a year later, and tells her that he's sorry, that he still loves Obi-Wan, that he's clean and sober and loves her - is not in love with her - and wants to be a part of the twins' lives; she hangs up on him, and gets on with her life.

Date: 2011-10-18 11:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] citizenjess.livejournal.com
Ack, PADDLES. She's like, kind of the Moira in this situation: Everyone else's emotions are a lot more palpable, and she just kind of has to sit quietly in the background and let them all happen around her and raise her kids.

I really liked "Birthday," because, you know, "get well soon" means two VERY DIFFERENT THINGs here. I like the mention of Anakin's burning intensity (HE BURNS LIKE A SUN INSIDE); I like the little nods to canon, and the subtle significance of the numbers = rehab visits (and as you've just explained to me, he's had problems prior to getting with Padme). I admire Padme's strength here, even as she struggles to leave Anakin and care properly for Luke and Leia. The last sentence is really effective, albeit depressing - it's truly a defeat for Anakin, and for Padme, who previously always kind of let him come back.

ALSO HIII KATY PERRY LYRICS. :D

Date: 2011-10-18 11:22 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] patientalien.livejournal.com
It occurred to me as I was halfway through this that Anakin's happy ending is definitely not Padme's. It kind of made me sad, lol.

I'm really glad you liked it :D

Date: 2011-10-19 07:31 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ms-erupt.livejournal.com

I think this is hitting close to home right now as I have a friend with three kids going through a very messy divorce, and is hard to watch her go through the pain she has the past few years and even worse for her boys. I feel bad for Padme, but at the same time I liked the ending and felt a bit of hope because now Padme has the opportunity to truly move on. My friend has told me how hard it is realizing that the person you loved so much doesn't love you; it hurts but accepting it makes things easier in the long run. IDK, I hope that's true.

Anyway, great story!

Date: 2011-10-19 11:01 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] patientalien.livejournal.com
I can't say I've ever been in that position exactly, but it's one of those things where unfortunately there aren't any really "right" answers. It's painful regardless. I'm sorry your friend is having to go through it.

Thanks!

Date: 2011-10-19 07:40 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] blaaksable.livejournal.com
I loved this. I don't usually read Anakin/Padme fiction but the way you structured it caught me and then I couldn't stop. The last sentence was so perfect, I almost cried. Like Jessica said, I loved the nods to canon. When he calls her because his mom died it pretty much broke my heart. You write Padme's voice so well, how strongly she feels for Anakin really shows, but her being too practical to take it forever--especially when the kids are in the picture. Now I'm off to see what else you wrote for this 'verse.

Date: 2011-10-19 11:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] patientalien.livejournal.com
Aww, thanks! I have to admit a certain new appreciation for Anakin/Padme with the Clone Wars - I love how their relationship is portrayed there, since it's massively dysfunctional. In this in particular, I wanted to keep the feel of their canon relationship despite it being a fairly far-out AU. Glad you liked it!

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