I'm Happy AND Angry!

Ladies and gentlemen, this is my life. I am nineteen years old, and the most important thing to me right now is getting my stupid seaQuest tapes reformatted. More important than finding a new job or going back to school.

I know the past couple of entries have been whiny self-serving pieces of drivel. I don't care. I need to feel a little bit of selfpity, at least, since no one in my RL seems to give half of a crap that my life is going to pieces and I am powerless to stop it.

Okay, you're going to say that I have the power to change my life if only I got off my ass and actually did it.

No.

That's not how it works.

I am exhausted to the point of incoherance. The thought of getting out of my pajamas most days pains me. I get up to check my email, update this thing, and maybe, sometimes, when I'm in some sort of mood, write bits and pieces of stories that will never be finished, and/or will never be good enough for public consumption.

I went to Louisiana, and that was alright. I liked it, because I was with someone I love and who seems to love me back.

I had something written here, but re-reading it, I realized that saying what I was thinking was basically the same as doing it in regards to being selfish and petty and everything I hate about myself, so I took it out.

I want to be an adult, but I can't seem to get out of the house long enough to do it. I'm deathly afraid that if I'm gone for too long, something will happen to my family and I won't be there to stop it. Sounds crazy, I know.

I want to get a new job, but I am deathly afraid that the accusition Blockbuster slapped me with will follow me. I didn't steal money. I didn't steal anything. All I did was make a bad judgement call when it came to giving credits. And I admit that. And it wasn't for my personal gain. I don't work that way. Fine, fire me for that, whatever. I understand that. But for the love of God, I did not take money. And why didn't I get representation during the questioning when I asked for it, even though I was clearly having a panic attack?

Why was I stupid enough to sign anything?

Why am I bitching and moaning now, carrying on like some little kid who didn't get her way?

Ugh.

If anyone is wondering

I know it's only been a few minutes, but I'm feeling much less angsty now. Stupid mood swings. :-)

And in other news, I found the old stgenesis list archive!!!!!!! Totally thought that was lost forever.

Can you believe I was on that list almost since its inception? That makes me feel old, even though I know the stuff I posted on that particular list was in line with the thirteen year old that I was.

I like to think I've gotten better since then. ;-)

The Archive

that I posted the link to yesterday seems only to work with netscape browsers. ranaeros had trouble with IE, and so did I this morning. But I opened it fine with netscape. Go figure.

It's worth dealing with Netscape, though. There's so much on there I thought was lost, since it isn't on any other archive.

I hope

the boy is watching The OC right now. Our favorite song is on it. :-) Hallelujah, by Rufus Wainwright.

I need to find a way to work it into a fic. :)

Hmm

:) I had another picture uploaded, but I had to delete it.

I get my tapes tomorrow afternoon. Yay. :)

Scene

There's a song in RENT that I think would make an interesting basis for a story. Or at least a scene. It's from "Goodbye Love"

Roger: Who are you to tell me what I know what to do?
Mark: A friend!
Roger: But who, Mark, are you? Mark has got his work. They say Mark lives for his work, and Mark's in love with his work. Mark hides in his work!
Mark: From what?
Roger: From facing your failure. Facing your lonliness. Facing the fact you live a lie. Yes, you live a lie! Tell you why: You're always preaching not to be numb, when that's how you thrive. You pretend to create and observe when you really detach from feeling alive!
Mark: Perhaps that's because I'm the one of us to survive.
Roger: Poor baby!

Do you think you play me like a drum?

Um. Never ask someone if they're manipulating you. The answer will generally be no. Or "Can I consult my laywer?".

Just how manipulative is Lucas with Bridger? Is it even intentional, or is General Thomas onto something?

With the exception of the Stinger failing the qualifying trials, and not being able to be "in the loop" for the DSL tests, Lucas generally gets what he wants. Or am I trying too hard to find something unhealthy in their relationship?

I don't know. I was just watching that episode, and that thought struck me. Hit me if I'm wrong, by all means.