NEW FIC: "Burning Bright and Brittle"

[mattlauercansuckit]

Title "Burning Bright and Brittle"
Author patientalien
Summary Padme reflects. AU, post-ROTS
Notes I've been sitting on this one for a while. If you want to get the idea of where it came from, listen to "Shooting Star", by Harry Chapin.

"You're all I've ever had," he tells her, fervent and desperate, clutching at the sleeves of her gown. His eyes are wild, lost and untamed and for a brief moment he frightens her. She puts a hand on his waist - the furthest she can move with him grabbing her like that. "Padme..."

She softens him with a look. "Ani, calm," she says gently, and he blinks. "Don't worry." She talks him down like this frequently, now that the war is over and everything is gone - their friends, his Order, her Senate, and his sanity. "I'm here."

He envisions her death, as he had at the end, and it torments him. It's no longer just at night, now, and his body will tense, his eyes will hollow, and he will lose himself until she comes to him. "They'll take you away," he insists, grip tightening. "You, and the children, they're going to take you."

The children, still babies really, are what keep them together and what keeps Anakin from running. He has done it before, disappeared in the middle of the night only to reappear days later bedraggled and despairing with the realization that he can fly as far as his ship will take him but he cannot escape himself. "No one is going to take us," she assures him softly.

There is, after all, no one left. The Jedi are destroyed, and Palpatine lies in pieces thanks to Anakin's blade and the final sacrifice of his mind. Even Obi-Wan, Anakin's rock when Padme could not be, is gone, shot down by his own clones on some Force-forsaken backwater. It is, Padme suspects, the severance of that bond that makes Anakin what he is now, a ghost in their home, a shell. She still loves him, but it is different now. Now she is more of a caretaker, a mother or a nurse, than a wife. She has three children, it seems, and though nanny 'droids can care for the twins when need be, Anakin tends to dismantle them in bitter anger. He knows what he lost, and it makes him feel worse that he has to rely on others to keep him grounded in reality. He lashes out at her, and at himself, his flesh arm a latticework of scars, and sometimes she questions her own reluctance to put him in a hospital. It is because she knows if she does that, she will never see him a free man again. She won't do that to him.

"Sometimes I think you're the only thing that's not just in my head," he whispers hoarsely. "Why are you still with me?" And he sounds younger than he is, though he is still a very young man. Young, and hurt, and lost, and her heart aches for him.

"Because I love you," she tells him, and it is true. She still loves him, but she is no longer in love with him. She cannot be, and she doesn't quite know when things changed. It was before he lost himself, that much she knows, so does not feel as though she needs to blame Palpatine for it. It means, though, that she finds herself blaming Anakin.

She is sure he knows. He still, after all, has his connection to the Force. It is one of the few things he does have from his life before, and she will find him deep in trance, looking into the mysteries of the universe, losing himself within it, a look on his face so full of wonder and despair that she cannot watch him. And sometimes he looks at her and the light of congizance will dawn in his eyes and he will turn away, ashamed, because he can see what is in her secret heart.

She knows they will not have a happy ending. Anakin is more lost to her every day, and she knows one day he will leave and never return. And she knows when that day comes, she will not mourn.

Anakin was lost to her a long time ago.

Comments

[albumsontheside.livejournal.com]

Oh god, this is brilliant.

I loved this, loved the sense of despair Padmé feels, the denial -- and even though you killed off Obi-Wan, it suited the story very well.


"Because I love you," she tells him, and it is true. She still loves him, but she is no longer in love with him. She cannot be, and she doesn't quite know when things changed.

This line just says everything to me. I love the way you hint at his breakdown, everything, it ...!

Gah, I'm sorry, this had rendered me incapable of coherent speech.

Well done, hun!

[patientalien.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you like it! I'd kind of forgotten about it, actually, because I didn't think I'd go anywhere with it, but then I was like, you know, Padme and Anakin's life in this isn't going anywhere, the fic doesn't have to. She's stuck, and Anakin's stuck, and they can't disentangle from each other.

[albumsontheside.livejournal.com]

And it works so well! *bows down humbly*

Stitches out tomorrow, then back to school. No more writing time ...?

[patientalien.livejournal.com]

Well, thank you!

Don't worry, I'm sure you'll find time.

[albumsontheside.livejournal.com]

Hope so, GCSEs are making me nervous already ...

Begun work on the sequel to Front Lines! I have 1 random pgh down :D

[patientalien.livejournal.com]

Oh good!!!

[albumsontheside.livejournal.com]

If you want an insight into just how insane I am:

This is how I write a fic. I quite literally write whatever comes into my head:

WRITE

text text text text

WRITE

text

WRITE

I kid you not.

[patientalien.livejournal.com]

Hey, whatever works for you. Jess and I usually plan stuff out and talk about it at length, but when it's just me writing (which is why I try not to do it without her very often), it's all over the place, and usually ends up full of emo woe and substance abuse.

[albumsontheside.livejournal.com]

Emo woe and substance abuse is cool! *looks guiltily at own fics*

[patientalien.livejournal.com]

The ones I've written alone are rife with it. Jedi Quest 7 did nothing to dissuade me from the idea Anakin could very easily have addiction issues.

[albumsontheside.livejournal.com]

Jenna Zan Abor and Granta Omega, right? I haven't got to that one yet ...

I read your other fics, btw. I'm just about to go add them to memories. I really, really love them :]

[patientalien.livejournal.com]

Oh yes, yes, yes. Anakin seems to go out of his way to get kidnapped and drugged up by them.

Oh, thank you! :)

[albumsontheside.livejournal.com]

Maybe he /does/ go out of his way ... ;D

no probs, it's true :)

Oh, shit, it's started raining here again. AGAIN. WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR YEARLY DAY OF SUNLIGHT, DAMN IT?

[patientalien.livejournal.com]

That's my personal theory, anyway. "Let me track down Omega and Zan Arbor, Master, I can do it."

[albumsontheside.livejournal.com]

Oh, I want to read that one now ! Must really start reading JQ. Does it matter if you read them out of order?

[patientalien.livejournal.com]

It kind of has an arching story, so it helps to read them in order, but Jude Watson is pretty good about summing up stuff that's already happened.

[albumsontheside.livejournal.com]

Okay, I will read them in order :) I want to read JA first, tho, and then there's the Stover ...! Oh, my cat says hi, btw.

[patientalien.livejournal.com]

JA is very good, too. I haven't read them all yet. And omg, yes, finish Stover. I think Stover's Anakin and Jude's Anakin mesh well together, actually.

[albumsontheside.livejournal.com]

Must book review chapter 3 of Stover, eh?

Side note: What do you actually think of the reviews? If they're not useful or if they are or whatevs?

[patientalien.livejournal.com]

Oh yes, please do.

I like them a lot, actually, because I could talk about that book for hours and hours and days and days (Jess will tell you how long-winded I can be on the subject)

[citizenjess.livejournal.com]

Even Obi-Wan, Anakin's rock when Padme could not be, is gone, shot down by his own clones on some Force-forsaken backwater. It is, Padme suspects, the severance of that bond that makes Anakin what he is now, a ghost in their home, a shell.

I think this part is the saddest - Anakin can make it until Obi-Wan's not there anymore. I think it's easy to see Padme and Anakin playing out just like this, too - Padme feels obligated to stay, and Anakin's not strong enough to make her leave.

[patientalien.livejournal.com]

Well, it's kind of like that in canon. Anakin's fine as long as Obi-Wan's around, even if Anakin doesn't listen to him. Once Obi-Wan's gone, Anakin can't function properly. It happened in AotC and RotS, and Obi-Wan was just on a different planet, you know?

I think the sense of obligation Padme would feel is pretty sad, too. She knows what would happen if she makes him leave, so she can't bring herself to do it, even though they're just doing more damage to each other.

Love you!

[citizenjess.livejournal.com]

I feel most for Padme in this piece. She's the one putting off her own life so Anakin is in some modicum of comfort, and they're both still miserable.

ILUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.

[patientalien.livejournal.com]

I think that's how it would be if they were together with him as Vader, as well. Part of it would be he'd keep her there, but part of it would be she knows he'd be even more, well, evil, without her there.

ILU MOAR!!!! I MISS YOU OMG

[pronker]

I liked the more or less evenness of their predicament, though Anakin had the worst of it: Padme hadn't the career keeping her going anymore, either. It's chilling when Anakin's leaving and returning is depicted, what family chaos for everyone. That is realism.

[patientalien.livejournal.com]

It's chilling when Anakin's leaving and returning is depicted, what family chaos for everyone.

It's the unpredictability of their situation. They're kind of treading water together, but every so often, Anakin will sink under for a while. I'm half-considering looking at it in terms of how it affects the twins.

I'm glad you liked it!

[flaxenescapee.livejournal.com]

D:


Hello!

So... erm... I stumbled over here... and now you make me cry! I need to use a hurrdurr icon to cheer up. And omg you made me like Padmé, what is going on!